Why we judge others by ourselves

A person usually thinks something over, puts something together in their head, reaches conclusions and decisions, then carries them over to someone else: a loved one, a child. They judge others by themselves, as if the other were just like them, unaware that their conclusions have nothing to do with that person. Why? For one simple reason: people are different. Even in a family, even with shared DNA, each person harbours some innermost thought about themselves alone, weighs everything up and uses everything. So their attitudes and criteria differ. Above all, the motivation that ties them together runs in opposite directions. Their interests differ too, and that is just what people overlook. All this happens automatically. Have you ever caught yourself at it? And who is in charge of you then: you yourself or the situation?

Your own conclusion does not fit another person: people are different

What ties people together is usually just one thing, a criterion or two, but in the mind it gets generalised and carried over to everything else. So all such reasoning is bound to be wrong from beginning to end. And what ties us to a person is something of our own, while what ties them to us is its opposite.

Just the other day, you too decided something for someone close to you, even if only what would be best for them to do. You may not have got round to telling them yet, but you have already begun to expect them to do just that.

A person is disappointed in something they have convinced themselves of for some reason, yet they are quick to blame someone else: that person, they say, deceived them. In fact, it was their own hopes that the other person did not live up to. When they think the same way about others, exactly the same thing happens with those people.

Every request already carries a motivation that goes unspoken

There is one thing a person does not understand: any process they set in motion or begin again carries a definite direction and expectations from the very start. In every offer they make, in every request, in every relationship they build, there is also one of those motivations that people always put in but leave unspoken.

What a child needs, we decide for them ourselves, in our own heads. But a child is a separate person. Along with our decision, the child also receives our expectations and the motivation we left unspoken.

Everything exists in chaos

A process is set in motion from the very first moment one thing affects another. We draw people into every process, and others draw us in just the same way. Everything is in motion. Everyone in it, collectively and individually, mixes something of their own into the process: they try to build something and to solve their problems at the expense of everything around them or of someone in particular. What always stays on the surface is the conclusion that it all comes down to one thing: everyone survives at someone else’s expense.

Now multiply that by the eight billion people on the planet. Each of them deals with their own tasks in just the same way and thinks about the same thing: how to live their life, or how to survive. That is what the word “chaos” means. It is Greek, from a verb meaning “to gape”: it was the name for the abyss from which everything began. Everything exists in chaos, and the whole meaning of each person’s life takes shape out of it. Tasks arise in it, and in it each person also finds solutions to them.

This is how it all works: everyone shapes some kind of environment for some purpose and, above all, creates conditions. The other person does not control the situation, and nor, in turn, does anyone else. To deal with a given task or problem, they work from the conditions that were built for them or offered to them. And the consequences are already built into those conditions and that environment.

What I would like you to understand is that chaos is not something negative. It is a necessary process; people simply misunderstand it and see it in the wrong light. After all, it is only in chaos that you, like anyone else, set all your processes in motion and deal with your tasks through someone else. And in just the same way, other people’s processes pass through you. What matters is that everyone is involved and the processes are the same, but the result differs: those who control it get one outcome, and the rest get whatever comes. It is this result alone that lets some people live while others merely survive. There is no other way: this is precisely the global system that everything is made of. But that is a separate topic and a whole different set of questions. Perhaps I will describe them in order in the notes to come, as far as they can be told.

The situation is in charge of you until you take charge of the process

Processes and conditions make up the part of life that is neither taught nor examined. There are reasons for that. Such knowledge brings certain conclusions and possibilities, and it is not advisable to hand them out. With them, a person gains both control and the awareness that life requires.

But if a person understands this whole process, how everything works and what it is made of, then thanks to their awareness they will be able to arrive at a clear definition. It will always point them to the thing itself, to the result and to the consequences of that result. As for the person themselves, such a definition says one thing: if they are not in charge of this process, then they are not the one in charge of their life, situations and wishes; the situation is in charge of them.

As soon as any person takes charge of this process, they will control their every action. And everything is made of actions, and in every decision a person takes, each action works either for them or against them. This is how a person keeps the possibility of being in charge of their own life. Yet people do not know about it, and above all, they understand neither the process itself nor how much it matters: what it affects and what, in the end, it gives a person or takes away from them.

The part outside seems to matter most, but the part inside decides

Everything is dual: everything is made of two opposites, and so are you. There is a part of you inside and a part outside. The outer part is always perceived as if it were the one that represents you, defends you and even looks after you. It seems to matter most because it can be seen: it is what others see in you first of all, and it is what you see in others too.

Yesterday more of your energy went into how you look and what people would think of you than into what is inside you. When we decide for someone else, we decide for the part of them that we can see.

The outer part is only acting, while what shapes everything is the part inside you. A diamond and ordinary glass look alike, but what they are made of is completely different. It is the same with people. The inner part leaves its mark both on you and on everything around you, and so on everyone you decide something for. What is inside someone close to you, you fill in yourself, going by what is inside you.

There are only two answers to the question of who is in charge of you: either you yourself, or what you have created and what you are made of. And the situation that is in charge of you begins with what you have created: with the process you yourself set in motion. You can tell which of the two answers is yours only by knowing yourself. If you do not know yourself, you know nothing at all. Then everything is built on assumptions and emotions, and that is a malfunction.

Find the opposite, and you will find the cause of any obstacle and of any decision: there is cause and effect everywhere. If something outside stands in your way, look for the cause in the opposite part, inside.

The firmest belief is the one you made up yourself

A person lives by the belief they made up for themselves, and there is no stronger conviction. Of their own accord, they move towards whatever they believe in. Such a person needs neither convincing nor talking round. Whoever makes use of them does not even have to work on them: it is enough to adjust something now and then, or to toss something their way. The main thing is that they go on keeping that belief inside them. But what they believe in does not exist. So there you have both its light side and its dark side.

On that same belief rest the conclusions and the hopes a person carries over to others, and the person has no doubts about them.

As long as we lie to ourselves, it seems to us that the words “good”, “kind” and “better than others” fit us. But take yourself apart to see what you are made of, and behind these words you will find flaws of one kind or another and ulterior motives. Everything can be explained when you do not lie to yourself or try to convince yourself otherwise, passing off wishful thinking as fact.

Questions to ask yourself

Ask yourself these questions: the answers are already inside you.

Everything said above is neither a conclusion about you nor a judgement of anyone. It is what a person does not take into account in life: what conditions and environments are, how strong their influence is and what consequences they bring. Either all of this is in charge of you, or you control it. The only reason I mention it is so that you pay closer attention. Here I change no one’s mind and influence no one, and I have no right whatsoever to interfere in any process of that natural shaping which makes up the very essence of a person’s birth and life.

• What do you expect from someone close to you only because that is what you would do in their place?
• Which disappointment do you blame on someone else, even though the hopes you placed in them were your own?
• What motivation did you put into your last request to someone close to you without ever voicing it?
• Whose conditions do you work from when you deal with your tasks?
• Where was the situation in charge of you this week, rather than you yourself?
• Which obstacle have you got used to putting down only to what is outside?
• What do you believe in only because you once made it up yourself?

Start with the decision you most often make for someone close to you, and ask yourself whose criteria it rests on. If you cannot answer, write to me below: we will work through it together.